Thursday, January 29, 2015

How to Turn Your Life into a Pakistani Drama: The Jerk Mom Edition

Assalamualaikum! I really enjoyed writing "How to be a Jerk: Tutorial 101" and have decided to do another similar post. Before I start off with this new tutorial/course, I thought I'd introduce you to the wonderful world of Pakistani drama. These domestic soaps involve your average love story with tragic plot twists, depressing maidens, psychotic heroes and twisted side characters. Without further ado, I present to you the Jerk Mom Edition!

(From Left to Right:- Damsel in Distress Who Suffers in Silence, Insensitive Hero Who is Easily Indoctrinated and Psychotic Side Character Who Looks Pretty)

How to Turn Your Life into a Pakistani Drama: The Jerk Mom Edition

Is your life boring you? Do you want to spice up your domestic relationships and take out childhood grievances now that you're finally old enough to run your own household? Then have no fear! Here's your manual to being the perfect Jerk Mom! Just remember to follow these instructions.

#1. Get your son married to a girl you have a death wish against.
#2. Make sure you get a BORED mask and use it effectively with the said girl and her family.
#3. Indoctrinate your son to make you his first priority.
#4. Don't forget to take out your childhood grievances on the girl who has left her family and her home to join yours and is effectively intimidated by her new household.
#5. Push as many boundaries as you can and tear down all resistance put forward by anyone.

Wow! You're well on your way to being the best Jerk Mom there ever was! But wait- how can you actually take out your childhood grievances on your new punching bag?

  • Put her in the kitchen and make her handle all the meals.
  • Make her clean the whole house repeatedly. (basically, be the beautiful Cinderella's stepmom. Beautiful stepmom I meant, not Cinderella)
  • Call her a maasi (equivalent to hired house cleaner)
  • Say she's being an  ungrateful bride if she tries to regain her dignity.
  • Give her several opportunities to point out your mistakes and then argue with her.
  • Call your son to witness his ungrateful wife arguing with the angelic Jerk Mom.
  • Constantly poison your son's mind about how proud and lazy the new girl is.
  • Hate your so called daughter-in-law with a passion and make sure she knows it (the hate) and that she can't do anything about it no matter what she does.
  • Don't forget to drink tea while she slaves around. Oh, throw in a back rub or foot massage while she's at it.

You think that's a certified Jerk Mom? Naw, you still haven't pushed the boundaries enough.

  • Accuse your daughter in law of an affair and watch your son's heart break in pieces and add those to your afternoon tea.
  • Push your daughter in law to the extremes and as soon as she reacts, turn her out of the house. 
  • When I mean turn her out of the house, I mean drag her out the door and close it and lock it.
  • Oh, and then forbid your son from coming to his wife's defense.
  • Don't forget about the tea your ungrateful daughter in law left on the stove for you.

But wait! Are the ladies with brainless sons the only Jerk Moms out there? Not at all! Here's how you can be a Jerk Mom with your damsel in distress daughter.

  • Marry her off to a family you've never been acquainted with.
  • Remember to take first appearances as nothing but truth and reality.
  • Should your daughter call you and try to tell you something, send her on guilt trips about how happy you are that she's married and settled. (throw in a couple of essays about how much of your husband's money you spent on the dowry and the car and the golden cats and what not).
  • Tell her that the first couple of decades of marriage are rocky and it's okay if your angelic Jerk Mom In Law is calling you a maasi- it happens kiddo, get used to it.
  • Just never happened to you though. And don't let it happen to you. You're the actual Angelic Mom with only one agenda: "Love everyone, no matter how messed up they actually are" and soon, everyone will love you back ^^
  • Tell your daughter that she's becoming ungrateful if she points out that your agenda is impossible in a realistic world where someone is hell bent on making things difficult.
  • It might be a good idea to develop a cardiac condition where you end up in the hospital every other day.
  • Best plot twist- you die in the end! :D And everyone cries for you.

So, then, dear readers! Book mark this page and refer to it when it's YOUR turn to add to the overall injustice, hate and ignorance in the world! Remember- if we don't spread the negativity, who will? #JerksUnited and cookies on the Dark Side!

Disclaimer: The Author is actually being sarcastic (in case you couldn't figure it out) and in no way does she support the creation of such types of characters in entertainment media. And yes, there's no free fake newsletter either. And Hamsafar fans, please don't be offended, it's just a JOKE.

5 comments:

  1. Jerk Mom sounds awful. Like WHAT? This honestly sounds like a Cinderella story, just with the stepmom being infinity times worse XD

    ReplyDelete
  2. Waalaikumusalam, Kanra. :) This is a hilarious post. Those mother-in-law versus daughter-in-law dramas can be too dramatic sometimes. I've never seen a Pakistani drama, but it sounds like it's overly melodramatic and that can really be amusing, haha. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. #JerksUnited let's make that famous?Make everyone tweet that :P
    How to be a bichari (lachaar) Indian mom :
    1. Get a little white in hair.
    2. Wear heavy jewelry all the time.
    3. Wear saree's that look simply outdated.
    4. Start freaking out over every little detail.
    5. Spilled milk shall always be accompanied by a crying fit..fearing someone will die..
    6. Let villain take away everything from you while you stand there in corner crying.

    That show in the post is actually seen by people in my house XD

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well then, I guess I know what I'm doing with my children. Just kidding. XD This is hilarious, though, and reminds me of a few moms I know outside of Pakistani Dramas.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hahaha! so true!
    but wait,
    Why do we have to have all that to make the story work?
    Don't think I'll ever understand!
    *Evaporates in to the Darkness*

    http://inmywilddreams.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete

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